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I went a little wild last weekend. I have a couple of big black-tie/ball- gown numbers coming up and the bikini season is fast approaching. And every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror cheap dresses online cheap dresses online discount wedding dress , I looked as if I'd crawled out from under a stone.

I decided a spray tan was the solution. Models and celebrities do it as part of their job description. The cast of The Only Way is Essex seem to have one as casually as they knock back a pint-jug of Cristal. And half my friends have had one, too. As long as I avoided looking like the offspring of Valentino and Jordan, bridesmaids dresses pictures bridesmaids dresses pictures what could possibly go wrong?

In a word, plenty! Or, make that everything. For a start, I was spending the weekend in the depths of Shropshire, which is possibly not the spray-tan capital of the world. Secondly, I am (or was) a spray-tan virgin.

I clambered stark naked into the sort of tent that would come in very handy at Glasto and shivered slightly as a therapist sprayed me all over (including most of my hair) with a solution that looked like chocolate.

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I emerged bronzed, if sticky, and stood wafting my arms around in the draught from a door that seemed to open on to one of the side streets of Ludlow. Eventually, my skin dried somewhat, and I finally managed to unglue my feet from the protective cardboard soles. But my hair looked - and felt - as if it had been dipped in a jar of dark treacle.

"Don't worry," I told my friend. "I'll have a shower as soon as we get home".

"Didn't they tell you? You mustn't have a bath or shower for at least eight hours."

We had friends coming for dinner that evening, and I had no intention of greeting them looking like a gorgon. I waited four hours, and then managed to wash my hair over the side of the bath, releasing a gush of mud-coloured dye, which trickled down my cleavage, staining my heart surgery scar the colour of mahogany; very attractive.

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Now my hair was clean, but my face was a pale orange. I had a curious tidemark around my neck, and my unwashed feet were starting to look as if they belonged to David Dickinson.

The next day, after boil-washing my nightdress and the sheets, I had a bath. At the end of a long soak, the water looked like the Thames, but I had managed to scrub myself to an even beige, save for a few stubborn splodges on my heels which, even a week later, continue to resist pumice.

I am obviously not born to get along with spray-tanning. I have invested in a can of Sally Hansen's Airbrush Legs as a temporary measure, deciding to go for the slow burn rather than the quick fix when it comes to a sun-kissed glow.

And I'll save my wild moments for a tiger-stripe or cheetah-spot swimsuit.

Pictures by John Swannell

Hair and make-up by Kevin Fortune using St. Tropez and Andrea Fulerton nails

Model: Polly brown @ Next

Stylist: Hilary Alexander

Fashion assistant: Natasha Cowan

Photographed at Coco Palm Bodu Hithi, North Malé Atoll, The Maldives, zoodress.com

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